


Twenty-Three

by Thunderhel



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Friendship, Get Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-21 19:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8256917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thunderhel/pseuds/Thunderhel
Summary: When you put a set number of variables into some sort of order then logically one has to come first and one has to come last. That sort of reasoning is much easier applied hypothetically than it is emotionally. Or, someone with a Twitter account and a lot of audacity makes a List. Things, as they usually seem to, do not work out well in William Poindexter's favor.





	

**Author's Note:**

> While I was editing this I found out I’d typed “Dew” instead of “Dex” once and that’s the only thing that matters. Also when this was about 90% done I found a shitty teen novel at Target that was like, this exact plot and I’m mad for a lot of reasons. 
> 
>  
> 
> _Full Disclaimer: I do not own Check Please. Obviously. And this is DexNursey, but it is a WHOLE lot of Dex and his friendships with individual members of the team, because I love team interactions and friendships and I want 500x more fic about it. Also no one edited this and I don't know how the English language works apparently._

The First List was not known as the First List upon its initial release. This was due to no one being aware that there was to be a second. So when The First List (Previously known as the LAX List) arrived, no one really understood the storm that was just beginning to form above Samwell University’s Frat Row. 

The Official statement that the Swallow would later release stated they had nothing to do with The List(s). This, of course, only made them seem more suspicious when the witch-hunt would later begin, but as no one could be properly tried and convicted of the crime, no one ever really took the blame. 

It all began as most terrible things do. That is to say, with a lot of excitement at first, followed by rather underwhelming conclusion for all not directly involved, and largely overlooked.

“OH FUCK.” 

Dex was not a particularly jumpy person. He thought he was getting accustomed to Holster’s booming tone after a year, but the shout still almost knocked him off the couch. 

“What the hell man?” Nursey asked before Dex was able to compose himself enough to ask. 

“What on earth are you yelling about?” Bitty called, something metal colliding in the kitchen. “I almost dropped my favorite bowl!” 

“What makes it your favorite?” Chowder turned on the couch, trying to look into the kitchen by leaning over the back. Dex grabbed a handful of his shirt to stop him from toppling over it. 

“Forget about the bowl!” Ransom waved a hand in Chowder’s direction. 

“I’ll try.”

“Shut the fuck up, Whiskey.”

Ransom and Holster weren’t looking at one another, their eyes instead laser focused on Holster’s laptop screen. There was something dangerous about their excitement, a hard edge to their normal enthusiasm. Dex felt something uneasy in his stomach at the sight. 

“Holy fucking shit, are you seeing this?”

“Yeah bro, what the fuck, like who even is this?”

“It’s anonymous.” 

“Like the hacker?”

“ _Obviously._ ”

“It’s not that big of a deal.” 

Ransom and Holster were pulled from their conversation by Whiskey, looking bored and annoyed as he stared at his phone. 

“You seeing this, man?”

“Yeah, and it’s dumb. Someone is just bored and rude.”

“What the _fuck_ are you all talking about?” Dex slid back down onto the couch, pulling Chowder back into a proper sitting position as he tried to get their two captains back on track. 

“It’s fucking everywhere-“

“Oh my god, just tell us,” Lardo sighed from her beanbag chair in the corner, looking uninterested with her head in her hand. Or pretending to look uninterested. There was a brightness in her eyes that hadn’t been there a minute ago, a fierce attentiveness that meant danger was near.

“What is it?” Bitty appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, wiping what might have been flour off of his hands as he joined in the conversation. 

"Nobody fucking knows!" Dex threw a hand in the air, almost catching Nursey in the face as he moved to make a similar motion. 

“We’re getting there!” Holster yelled, his excitement wavering for a moment as his love of drama went unappreciated amongst his teammates. 

Bitty held up his hands in surrender, though Dex didn’t miss the eye roll he cast at the ceiling. 

“Is everyone good? Can I explain? Am I fucking allowed?” 

Dex bit the inside of his cheek, resisting the urge to shout. Ransom and Holster had them all in a bind. Something dark and exciting was rushing through their captains and despite everyones' annoyance, curiosity was high. 

“Yes, oh great Captains. Tell us what you got.” Nursey relaxed back against the couch, brushing his shoulder against Dex’s as he stretched out. Dex shifted out of his way. 

“Okay, so everyone is tweeting and posting about some list, like I don’t know who found it or how, but it can’t be more than a few hours old-“

“It’s a twitter account. The-Samwell-List-“

“They just posted 25 separate tweets, ranking the Lacrosse players-“

“Aren’t they all ready ranked?” 

Ransom and Holster seemed to falter as their seamless rhythm was thrown off by Tango’s interjection. Whiskey had claimed most of the large armchair, but had graciously curled up with his legs thrown over the armrest so Tango could perch precariously on the chair’s edge. Dex couldn’t really picture Tango sitting any other way. Tango always seemed so jittery, like he was ready to jump up at any second. Now was no different, his head cocked to the side and leg jiggling as he stared down their captains with an intensity that was unparalleled in anyone Dex had ever met. 

“Like, they’re ranked by how good they are right? All sports have rankings.” 

Holster frowned. Dex had a theory that Tango was simultaneously Holster’s favorite and least favorite member of the team (excluding Ransom of course). The tadpole’s unironic and honest enthusiasm for everything Holster said was constantly at odds with his inability to shut his mouth. Dex wasn’t sure whether Holster was going to hit him or adopt him first. 

“No.” Ransom glanced up from the screen to shoot him a glare. “Shh. They’re ranked by attractiveness.” 

“What?” Chowder titled his head, leaning over Dex like he might be able to get a better view of the screen. 

“Yeah,” Holster continued, handing the laptop to Ransom, presumably to give himself more room for hand motions. “Like, it’s just tweet after tweet, starting with who they think the best looking is, which is just the saddest beauty pageant ever because have you seen those dudes? Pathetic. But it’s just name, ranking, and a statement on why.” 

“Can they do that?” Chowder asked at the same time Bitty exclaimed “They can’t do that!” 

“Who is they?” Tango asked, expression serious and hands crossed in his lap. 

Whiskey looked around, pretending to be searching for something. “Fucking shit, what grade is this?” 

“It’s goddamn seventh Whiskey, and it’s _swasome_ ,” Ransom told him, nearly shouting to be heard.

“We’re gonna learn about our changing bodies and shit.” Nursey winked at Dex with a laugh. 

Dex returned the smirk. “I know Tango probably has a few questions.” 

Tango, who had been in the middle of taking a breath, abruptly closed his mouth, face flushing. 

Dex cupped his hands around his mouth to be heard over the clatter. “Read the tweets!” 

“Fuck yeah, who’s the ugliest LAX bro?”

“It’s a twenty five way tie.” 

Whiskey rolled his eyes, eyes still glued to his phone. “This is so fucking stupid.” 

Tango, seeming to recover himself, turned to look back at Whiskey for the first time since the News had been dropped. “You say that about everything.” 

Tango was an annoying guy, Dex could silently admit to himself. He was abrupt and intrusive and didn’t know when to stop, but he could also privately admit that Tango’s frowns could rival Chowder’s in terms of the physical pain they caused his heart.

“He’s just mad his harem is being called out like this,” Dex chirped instinctively, trying to step in before Whiskey could say anything. They all told Tango to shut up from time to time, but Whiskey was the only one who seemed immune to the puppy dog eyes. 

“NUMBER ONE.” 

Everyone jumped, the tadpoles’ dispute interrupted as Holster plowed forward. “JORDAN ASHBY. #18.” He smirked, his voice rising an octave and taking on a sultry quality that had Nursey barking out a laugh and Bitty clicking his tongue. “With cheekbones that could kill and shoulders for days, Ashby is a standout on all of Frat Row. Congrats Mr. Ashby. Call us.” 

The room descended into a mixture of wolf whistles and boos following the statement, and Whiskey rolled his eyes even more dramatically this time. “This is literally one person, just publicly stating who they find attractive and who they don’t. It’s stupid and no one should-“ The rest of Whiskey’s speech was drowned out by a chorus of boos, and a few random objects chucked his way.

Tango yelped, dropping to the floor to avoid a decorative pillow aimed at his face. “What did I do?!”

“Get out of the line of fire, Tango!” 

“Stop throwing things, ya’ll are gonna break something.” 

“The only thing that’s gonna break is Whiskey’s bad attitude,” Holster declared dramatically, eyes back on his laptop screen. He seemed to be searching for something. 

“That…didn’t make any sense, but I get where you were coming from.” Ransom took the laptop back. “Aaand, number 2, ‘Greg Carrson. #22. Everyone likes a dude who’s over 6’ can pull off doe eyes that flawlessly. Actually created straight from our fantasies. Nice work @god.’” 

“Fucking stupid,” Whiskey hissed under his breath. 

“Sounds like someone got turned down by Mr. Carrson.” 

“No, come on now, Whiskey’s got a point.” Bitty made his way further into the room, wringing his hand together in a nervous gesture. “This can get kind of mean, don’t you think? I mean, the 50 Most Beautiful is all right, it’s just being nice, but if they’re all ranked…”

“Who’s ugliest?” Tango cut Bitty off before his moral lecture could go any further. There was a cruel edge to Tango’s smile, twisting his usual puppy dog expression into something much more sinister. Dex had never seen Tango mad, or even really anything other than excited or embarrassed, but the change was unnerving. Without thinking much on the movement he nudged Nursey, but before he could say anything, Holster was continuing. 

“Ranked number 24: JACOB REYNOLDS. #5. We almost feel bad. He was obviously hit by a truck or dropped a lot as a child. Either way your head doesn’t look like that just by nature. #sorrybro.”

“YOOO.”

“Fucking _wreckt._ ”

“Savage. But accurate.” 

Bitty turned away with a gasp. His hand covered his mouth as he made his way back into the kitchen. “That’s terrible,” he scolded, but no one missed the way his shoulders shook as he disappeared from view. 

“Number 25. RALPHIE WEIST. #12. If he showered once, ever, maybe he would be higher. Or maybe if he just wore a bag over his head all day every day. It would be an improvement.”

_“Goddamn!”_

Dex’s snort of a laugh was cut short as Nursey crashed into his side in giggles. Dex clapped a hand on his partner’s back, balling the fabric of his shirt in his fist as he allowed the temporary contact to happen. Across the room, Whiskey was pushing himself up, grabbing onto Tango’s shoulder for balance as he heaved himself out of the chair. 

Dex missed what he said, wasn’t listening as Nursey’s laughter doubled in volume at something Ransom had chirped. It wasn’t that Dex didn’t like Whiskey, he had actually grown pretty attached to the freshman over the past few weeks, but he couldn’t be bothered with his high and mighty attitude at the moment. Relaxing back into the couch, with Chowder shuffling to get more comfortable on his left and Nursey still snickering against his shoulder, he felt at ease. 

As was usual with his good moods, it was not to last. 

_X__X__X_

It wasn’t until hours later, as he was laying in bed and trying to fall asleep, that he realized Lardo hadn’t said a single word the entire time. 

**_X__X__X_**

The fall out of the First List was entertaining for about four days. The LAX bros were getting in fights and arguments everywhere they went. With strangers, with the SMH, with Whiskey, with the baseball team, with the football team, with girls, and most noticeably, with each other. At least two altercations had gotten physical, spilling out of their own decrepit frat house and onto the front lawn as two dudes took swinging hits at one another, their frantic manager screaming for them to stop and their captain pulling them apart. 

Dex had watched the second such fight from the reading room, a cold beer in his hand and Nursey and Tango by his side as the two brawlers screamed incoherently at one another across the street.

Dex scoffed and raised his bottle to his mouth. “Morons.” 

**_X__X__X_**

The Second List, was the Men’s Soccer Team. 

The Twitter made post Number One at 3 in the morning, and by the time 8 AMs rolled around, everyone had all ready seen them all. Two girls in front of him in Bio were whispering viciously back and forth, distracting him from the lecture, even if he could only hear snippets of their hissing. 

Beside him, Nursey was doodling in the margins of his notebook, elaborate drawings that looked too complex for scribbles. Dex had never been much of an artist, and even in his own notebooks the margins were dotted with to-do lists, numbers that only made sense to himself, and the occasional geometric shape. Nothing like the flowery imagery or sharply realistic eyes that Nursey seemed to interested in. Dex’s attention was being pulled three ways, part way listening to the bored professor droning on about amino acids, while also trying to figure out what Nursey was working on, before a snippet of the hushed conversation in front of them caught his attention.

_“…they’re gonna do all of the teams?”_

Dex froze, his eyes still locked on Nursey’s hand, shifting easily over the lined paper like it was canvas, but he couldn’t see what he was drawing anymore. Lardo’s silence from the other night rang loud in his head. 

“Do you think they’re gonna rank us?” He asked, keeping his voice as low as he could, though he didn’t miss the way the girls’ conversation suddenly halted mid-sentence. 

Nursey’s hand paused on the paper, frozen himself for a moment before his gaze snapped up to meet Dex’s. His eyes were bright and the handsome grin he threw his way was nothing short of wicked. I’m counting on it.” 

**_X__X__X_**

It was exactly eight days after the Second List had dropped. 

The SML was beginning to return to normalcy, or at least as close to normal as they got, and the SMS seemed to be cooling down as well. At least the soccer team had seen a little less bloodshed than the lacrosse. Their fights had been mostly internal and were rumored to be highly psychological. 

Either way, Dex didn’t care. 

The novelty of the chaos had worn off quickly, and all drama had been contained within the affected houses. Eight days was a long time in college time after all, at least three people Dex knew in his hall had hooked up, started new relationships and broken up in that time. He’d had two tests and a paper due. The inflated and wounded egos of members of sports teams he didn’t care about had fallen pretty far down the list of priorities. 

Shrugging his backpack over his shoulder Dex slipped down a lesser-used hallway, trying to make it out of the business building before the rest of the classes started pouring out. He was almost out of the building, right at the door actually, when he made eye contact with a pretty brunette sitting outside of a professor’s office. 

Dex wasn’t a particularly flirty guy. He actually had no idea how to flirt beyond just being nice to someone. But her legs were long and her hair looked soft and he couldn’t help the half smile that slipped into place as she looked at him over the rims of her glasses. 

She smiled back and a bubble of a laugh escaped her before she turned away, but even for all of Dex’s lack of romantic experience, he knew she wasn’t flirting. Her smile was unkind and her laugh hadn’t been so much of a giggle as a snicker. 

Pushing outside he rolled his eyes at himself. Because okay, yeah, of course. The brief stab to his ego wasn’t too painful, really. It wasn’t like she was the first girl to shoot him down, maybe the quickest to, and without a single word said, but that was really just more impressive than anything. She didn’t matter. He had bigger issues to deal with.

All he wanted was to get to the Haus, and unwind after the day. 

Macro was kicking his ass, if he was being honest with himself. How Holster had willingly chosen to make this hell his major, Dex would never understand. As he pushed open the door to the Haus and spotted the senior in question sitting in the armchair, he told him as much. 

Dex had expected a chirp about him just not being smart enough, or maybe a quip about Holster just being smarter than everyone, but neither came. Instead, Holster looked a little pale at the sight of him, his usual deadpan expression shifting down into a strained panic. 

Like he was scared of Dex. Or maybe nervous. 

Dex hesitated, not quite stopping but slowing his steps on the way to the kitchen. “You all right?” Holster hadn’t blinked since he had entered, seemingly frozen in place as he stared him down. “You’re freaking me out, dude.” 

“Dex!” 

Dex jumped at the sudden shout from behind him. Turning on his heel he found Bitty, grinning up at him from the kitchen doorway. 

“Hi!” Bitty was usually chipper, always excited to have someone around to taste test or just ramble to, but this wasn’t his normal level of enthusiasm. There was a forced edge to his too-wide smile, and his fingers were turning red where he had laced them together too hard. 

“I made your favorite, chocolate crème pie! Come on,” Bitty waited only a beat too long to be normal before turning back into the kitchen. Dex cast one more look back over his shoulder at Holster, who quickly shot him a horrifically fake smile, before following Bitty. 

He was fairly certain that was the least he had ever heard Holster speak. 

Something uneasy was creeping up the back of his neck, putting him on edge as he glanced around the kitchen. “What’s going on?” He asked when Bitty pulled out a chair for him, placing down a generous helping on a cheery patterned plate. Bitty’s favorite plates. 

Bitty’s smile faltered around the corners for a moment before growing even cheesier. “Nothing, sweetheart.” 

They both winced at the nickname. Something was very wrong if Bitty was using niceties usually reserved for Chowder on him. “Did like, someone in my family die? And I dying? What’s going on?” He asked, his weak attempt at a joke falling flat. 

Bitty sighed, all faux cheeriness fading as he slumped against the counter. “No, you’re not dyin’ and neither is anybody else.” He glanced up at Dex, worrying a lip between his teeth. Finally, after another pause that lasted far too long for Dex’s anxiety, he sighed again. “Just…sit down and have some pie and I’ll tell you.” 

Dex’s raised an eyebrow as Bitty turned away, his nerves fraying ever thinner. He could feel his heart beat in his ears, and tried to quiet the jittering feeling racing through him. 

“I’m…gonna get a beer,” he decided out loud, turning to head into the basement. He felt the alcohol content wasn’t going to be near enough for whatever was coming, but he could pretend. 

He had made the mistake of opening the bottle halfway up the stairs and was in the middle of taking a sip as he reentered the kitchen. Tango had emerged from somewhere, sitting at the table with his own slice of pie sitting untouched in front of him when he spotted Dex. 

“I didn’t know you were a virgin.” 

Dex stumbled his next step, inhaling more beer than he spilled. Leaning against the wall he took a gasping breath with quickly gave way to sputtering coughs. “Wha-“ he managed to get out before he was coughing again. 

“TANGO!” Came joint shouts from both Bitty, standing frozen by the sink, and from Holster in the living room. 

“What the _fuck?_ ” Dex spat, his face burning from the effort to keep his lungs clear and shock of the accusation. “I’m not-“ Dex faltered, face burning hotter as he realized what he had been about to say. 

Tango frowned, his eyes sympathetic as he looking imploringly at Dex. “I could have helped you.” 

Dex’s brain took a moment to restart before he was sent into another round of coughing, unable to even form a question as his face burned. This is how I die, Dex thought as he gripped the wall to keep from collapsing and Bitty gasped in horror. 

“TANGO!” Holster appeared in the doorway, his shout making both Dex and Tango jump. 

“What?” Tango glanced from incredulous face to incredulous face, confusion spreading across his features. “I know some girls that I know would like Dex.” 

“Oh my GOD.” Holster smacked the wall once in either amusement or exasperation as he turned back into the living room, seeming to need a moment to compose himself. 

In the corner, Bitty had steepled his fingers, pressed against the bridge of his nose as he stared, unblinking, at the floor. 

Dex gave one last gasp, catching his breath before standing up straight. “I’m not a virgin!” Was not something he had ever really envisioned himself screaming at anyone, let alone Bitty and Tango, stone cold sober on a Thursday afternoon, but life took you to odd places like that. 

Tango’s frown turned even more sympathetic, and Bitty rubbed at his eyes. He got the distinct impression neither of them believed him. 

“I’m not-what the fuck is going on?” He tried again, changing tactics. Bitty still wasn’t looking at him, and Tango seemed unable to look anywhere else but at him, and he wasn’t sure which was worse. “Someone better fucking tell me I swear to god.” 

Tango arched an eyebrow, finally turning his attention sharply to Bitty. “Does he not know? Why doesn’t he know?” He looked back at Dex. “How do you not know?” 

“NOT KNOW WHAT?”

“They ranked the hockey team.” Holster reappeared in the doorway, his ankles and arms crossed as he leaned against the entryway. 

Dex opened his mouth, about to ask what he was talking about, before he understood. The SMH had finally been posted on that stupid twitter. Ranked number 1 through 23 in order of attractiveness. 

“Who’s-“ Dex almost asked who was first. Curiosity winning over the cold reality of the situation as he wondered for half a second if it was Ransom or Nursey. There wasn’t another possibility. 

A horrible understanding dawned on him. Dex might not have always been the quickest on the uptake, he could admit that to himself, but even he couldn’t misunderstand what was happening here. “Last,” he finished. It wasn’t a question. He didn’t want an answer. 

Dex bit the inside of his cheek, just for something to do as he gripped his beer bottle a little tighter than necessary. He had never been very good at emotions, anyone else’s mostly, but his own weren’t much easier to figure out. In that moment, standing in the middle of the kitchen with three of his teammates awaiting his thoughts on the news, he had to admit he was at a loss. 

He blinked once, wondering how long he had zoned out in his state of limbo, and tried to focus in on the faces still staring him down. Dex didn’t think he had any sort of expression, his face carefully schooled into a neutral blank as he tried to assess the situation as best he could, but apparently that was not that case. Whatever his friends saw on him made Holster look sharply away, Tango take a step forward, like he was going to touch Dex but couldn’t figure out how, and Bitty looked suddenly near tears. 

“Oh, darling-“ 

Bitty’s second use of a pet name for him in less than fifteen minutes was what finally snapped Dex out of his stupor. He shook his head, backing up a step as both Bitty and Tango advanced. He tried to speak, stopped to take another drink, and tried again. “It’s fine.” 

It was not fine. Except it was. Sort of.

Dex knew, logically and rationally, this was dumb as hell. Whiskey had been right the other day, it was just one person’s random opinion and it meant nothing. Even if it did, it wasn’t the end of the world. Everyone would forget about the hockey list in a week, Dex knew even he would probably barely remember it by this time next year. He had never had any delusions about being particularly good looking, and he was never the best with women, but he did all right. He would probably continue to do just all right once the Fourth List went up. 

But for that moment, before everything blew over and everyone moved on – everyone on campus knew he had been labeled as the ugliest member of the SMH. 

The weight of that humiliation was a little difficult to immediately shake off. 

“I’m…gonna go,” he said finally, making it two steps to the door, before he remembered the girl in the business department. Her small smirk and cruel laugh suddenly made more sense. Or maybe she hadn’t seen the list. Maybe she had just thought he wasn’t good looking on her own. 

That thought had been originally meant to comfort him but ended up leaning farther the other way. 

“No,” he continued, turning back into the kitchen, stopping only to throw open a cabinet, grabbing the closest bottle of vodka to take with him as he headed back into the Haus. 

“Dex!” 

“I’m gonna be in the reading room. Don’t need me.” 

“Dex, come on man,” Holster tried, following him to the bottom of the stairs. “Tango’s right, I know like fifteen girls that would kill to get with you.”

“Jesus Christ _stop._ ” 

“And if that doesn’t work, there’s always Tango.”

“Yeah!”

“Tango, honey, no.”

Dex ignored all three of them as he pushed open the window at the end of the hall and crawled out into the Reading Room. It took a moment and he wasn’t the most graceful as he tried to organize himself, his beer, and his bottle of vodka without falling off the roof. 

_It’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal._

He repeated it in his head until the words blurred into nonsense, closing his eyes as he spread out on the shingles. Laying down and drinking was not the best way to handle this. Dex wanted to run, he wanted to punch something and scream and fight until his fingers bleed and his lungs ached, because that had always been the easiest way to handle feelings. 

A reaction that sever would all be too obvious though. It was too embarrassing and pathetic to even consider. If the pity in his teammate’s eyes and the laughter of that pretty girl in the business hall was anything to go by, overreacting was not an option. It would only get him laughed at and felt sorry for and those were the last two things he needed right now. 

Right now, he needed to calm down. He tightened his grip on the bottle in his hand, and for a second was distracted by his own movements. Had his fingers always been that weirdly long? They looked like alien hands. He could see just the faintest outline of his own reflection in the glass, and ran a hand through his hair, trying to get it back in order. Somehow, he made it worse. 

He was just being paranoid.

It’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal-

“It doesn’t mean anything, you know.” 

Dex’s eyes snapped open as he realized Whiskey’s voice was now coming from somewhere besides just his own imagination. Craning his neck back he caught sight of the younger boy, currently making the same awkward journey through the windowsill he had a few minutes earlier. 

“I know.”

Moving over to make room would have made the most sense, but Dex didn’t move, allowing Whiskey to crawl over his arm as he tried to arrange himself on the roof next to Dex. 

“No you don’t.” 

Dex jumped this time, sitting up on his elbows, looking back to the window to find Lardo hanging over the sill, looking like she had no intentions of joining them. 

“Jesus Christ, the fuck is this? I don’t need a pity committee.” 

“Nah, they’re all downstairs,” Lardo assured him with a casual wave of her hand.

“We’re here for the vodka,” Whiskey informed him, snatching the bottle away before Dex could protest. 

Dex wanted to be alone, or at least, he had assumed he had wanted to be alone. Holster, Tango and Bitty all had only the best of intentions, but the sympathy in their eyes had made his stomach churn. There was none of that in Lardo or Whiskey. In fact, had it not been for their impeccable timing, he might have guessed they weren’t on the roof for him at all. 

Dex finished his beer, reaching back to place the empty bottle next to Lardo, despite her noise of protest. Next to him, Whiskey took a long drink from the bottle, managing to keep his face straight as he pulled away. He cleared his throat. 

“So, Mr. Poindexter,” he leaned the neck of the bottle in close like a microphone. “What’s it feel like, being judged least attractive member of the hockey team, by an unnamed anonymous source that has no merit or meaning and will be forgotten in a week?” Whiskey’s face was serious, his tone even and set and Dex couldn’t help the beginnings of a grin twisting on his face.

“Shut the fuck up.” He shoved the bottle away, before quickly thinking better of it and taking it back to take a drink. 

“Did you write that down Lardo?” 

“I have him quoted.” 

“You’re both the worst.”

“Um, you were actually rated the worst, so…”

Dex punched Whiskey in the shoulder. Whiskey’s face broke finally as the blow landed, wincing hard as he rubbed at his shoulder. “Fuck you, man. I’m being supportive as hell.” 

“I hope you both fall off the roof.” 

The burning humiliation of the post was beginning to wane, giving way to a softer sort of embarrassment at being caught being so dramatic. His face was too hot and he still felt too tense, but it was easier now, with Whiskey and Lardo chirping him out in the reading room, reminding him how big of an issue this wasn’t. 

His face fell suddenly as he remembered all at once. 

Dex knew how the Lists worked. They had to explain their decision. There was a description under Dex’s ranking, explaining what was wrong with him. “What did they say about me?” His eyes were trained on the LAX house across the street. Someone was moving around in what he assumed to be their kitchen.

The silence behind him crossed quickly into painful. 

“Tango said I was a virgin. It says I'm a virgin, doesn’t it?” 

“You can’t trust any of the bullshit they’re saying, since we both know that’s obviously not true,” Lardo offered, sounding eternally bored with this conversation.

Dex didn’t move his head as Whiskey pushed a dramatic exhale out through his lips, but he could feel the eyes boring into the side of his head. “Whoaaa, what-“

“No, dumbass. He slept with like, three girls in the art department last year.” Something hit the side of Dex’s head, it felt like a paper ball. “I had to hear about it in disgusting detail. Seonagh would not shut the fuck up.” He heard her shudder. “Anyway, if it’s that crucial to your masculinity here, I can vouch for that.”

“And I will absolutely vouch to everyone that Lardo just confessed to having wild and amazing sex with you last year.” 

Something that sounded substantially heavier than a paper ball hit the side of Whiskey’s head. _“Fuck!”_

It might have all been entertaining if Dex hadn’t been so focused on his original question. Ignoring whatever was happening behind him he pulled out his phone, typing in the twitter name before he could lose his nerve.

“Come on man, don’t do this.” 

“It’s not going to do anything but make you madder.” 

“It’ll be funny,” he assured them, his tone anything but light. “I wanna know what they got wrong.”

_#1. DEREK NURSE. #28. We are actually speechless. Possibly the most attractive person to ever grace this campus. Modeled after the perfection of human kind. Goddamn._

Of course Nursey was number one. It was what Dex had initially expected honestly, there was no real way around it. But seeing it now, spelled out so plainly and obviously for everyone to see, something about it stung. Nursey was objectively beautiful, even when Dex couldn’t stand to be around him for more than a few minutes at a time, he had to admit that was the truth. 

But Nursey was first, and Dex was last, and now that felt horrifically significant. 

“Nurse banged half the campus, I think it’s gonna be hard to find someone not bias towards him,” Whiskey dismissed, as if Nursey’s ranking wasn’t the most obvious choice. 

“Maybe.”

_#2. JUSTIN OLURANSI. #11. Possibly the hardest choice we’ve ever had to make. At #2 you’re still a God Oluransi, please forgive our sins. Or punish us. Either way works._

Chowder was number 5. _That smile is dangerous and needs to be classified as a weapon._ Bitty number 7. _His ass alone puts him in the top ten._ Tango 8. _Italian Stallion is the cheesiest title in history, but honestly we are down for a ride._ Holster 10. _He can lift anyone on campus with one arm what the fuck._ Whiskey 12. _He might seem kind of plain, but those eyes could impregnate from across a room._

It felt like it took forever, scrolling through a roster he was so familiar with, just not in this order. Until he finally found it, pausing for a full ten seconds on his name alone, ignoring one more weak protest from Whiskey before reading on. 

_#23. WILLIAM POINDEXTER. #24. If we could make him #24 we would. Like someone threw an undercooked chicken with dumbo ears on ice. His virgin status might be sad if he had any personality at all to combat it. #YIKES._

For the second time that day it felt like the world was spinning, not like a drunk spiral but a slight tilt, like nothing was quite even and he wasn’t sure how to find his footing. His face was on fire, burning so hot he was convinced it was close to actually sparking a flame. 

He twitched, unprepared for the sudden pressure on his head, and it took him a moment to connect the sensation to fingers carding through his hair. Dex turned off his phone screen, slipping it back into the pocket of his hoodie before tucking his hands in after it. Lardo’s thighs were pressed against his hips as she straddled him from behind, her fingernails scratching at his scalp. He hadn’t heard her move out onto the roof. He also had never known her to be so comforting, at least not to him. Part of him wanted to be more embarrassed by it, so pathetic that Lardo –who possessed about as much of a parental instinct as he did- was reduced to this. He wanted to tell her he didn’t need her pity, but couldn’t bring himself to try to get her to stop.

Whiskey snorted. “Don’t look like that man, we’re not cryin for you.” 

Lardo tapped against the crown of his head sharply, like she was trying to force his attention on something other than his own dejection. “Yeah, don’t get all full of yourself. There are angels in this Haus that deserve all of our love and care, and you are not one of them.”

Dex cracked a smile at that. “So you just decided out of the blue that you wanted to braid my hair?” 

“Your hair looks like fire and defies gravity when touched. I’ve wanted to fuck with it for a year and now that you’re all sad and introspective I have my chance.” She emphasized her point by tightening both fists in his hair, pulling his head back. 

“Ow, knock it off!” Dex snapped, but he was laughing, trying to shake her off as she clung to his hair like reigns. 

“Okay, yeah, I’ve wanted to touch it to,” Whiskey sighed solemnly. He sat the bottle of vodka, mostly forgotten, back on the windowsill and leaned over to try to get a hand in Dex’s hair. “Hold him still, Lardo.”

Whiskey pushed his hand up Dex’s neck and into his hair, his fingers scratching just behind Dex’s ear, making him twitch at the sensation.

“Ah! Whoa! Stop it!” He struggled, trying to fight both of them off, stop himself from giggling and not fall off the roof all at once. 

“Don’t touch his ears!” Lardo warned. “He’s a _virgin,_ ” she whispered dramatically. 

“He might come in his pants,” Whiskey added, despite grabbing hold of one of Dex’s ears as he did so. 

“Fuck both of you!” 

“That would be incredibly dangerous on this roof.”

“Not that he would know.” 

Dex laughed, throwing himself back as gently as he could to pin Lardo against the roof with his back, his hands locked with Whiskey’s as he tried to hold him off as well. Lardo protested with a squawk, ramming her heels into his shins as hard as she could and messing his hair up beyond help. 

The List was humiliating and it hurt more than Dex wanted to admit, but at the end of the day it was dumb and meaningless and he could forget about it. 

At least, for the day. 

**_X__X__X_**

If Dex had been nervous about how Chowder would treat him, like he was made of glass or a sad puppy that needed comforting, he shouldn’t have worried. Chowder, somehow, acted like the List had never happened. All the way back the dorms, Chowder rambled about this or that. Dex was, as usual, coming in and out of the conversation when Chowder got too worked up about something. 

“And then, Dex, get this, and then, she just stood up and left! She just left the lecture hall! I didn’t even know you could do that!” 

“I mean that is generally how I leave all of my lectures.”

“Yeah, but it was the _middle_ of the lecture.” Chowder was gaping at him, a smile tugging at the edges of his flabbergasted expression and Dex couldn’t help but return smile, if not quite for the same reasons. 

“FARMER!” 

Dex nearly dropped the giant mathematics textbook he was carrying as Chowder suddenly exploded next to him. 

“Holy fuck, dude.” 

“Sorry,” Chowder apologized, not sounding very sorry at all as Farmer bounded over to meet them. 

“Hi Will!” 

Dex returned her small wave of greeting before rolling his eyes as she bumped her nose against Chowder’s with a dopey grin. 

“I’m fining you both.”

“You can’t fine me,” Farmer told him, sticking her tongue out for good measure. 

“You can’t fine me either,” Chowder said, puffing up a little indignantly. 

“No, but I can tell.”

“No DON’T!” Chowder rushed to catch up as Dex continued down the path, Farmer laughing at them both from behind. 

Dex swiped his ID, pushing open the door as it beeped at him. 

“Hey, Chris.” Farmer bumped her shoulder against her boyfriend’s. “I bet you can’t beat us to the third floor if we take the elevator.”

“The stairs are absolutely faster,” Chowder corrected, narrowing his eyes at her. 

“Prove it.” 

Dex was used to Chowder and Farmer’s bizarre behavior. If anyone thought _Chowder_ was odd, they had obviously never spent an extended amount of time with Caitlin Farmer. Races through the building were not exactly strange behavior for them -there wasn’t really anything Dex could think of that he would consider strange for those two really- but Dex also wasn’t a complete idiot. Neither was Chowder. 

Chowder hesitated a moment before declaring it was on and bolting through the stairway door so hard, Dex was worried for a moment he had hurt himself. Dex narrowed his eyes, ducking his head down to see through the glass in center of the door. He watched as Chowder slowed down to a normal pace about three steps up. 

Next to him, Farmer didn’t seem much like racing either. Her pace, if anything, slowed down as they headed for the elevator. 

“The stairs are faster,” he told her in monotone, arching an eyebrow at the guilty twist of her lips. 

She controlled her face a second later, shrugging at him as she hit the button. Dex kept his eyes on her, waiting for whatever was about to happen. She had separated them from Chowder for a reason. Her eyes were locked firmly on the closed elevator doors in front of them though, a soft pink flush that wasn’t there a moment ago coloring her face. It had to do with The List, it had to be, and whatever she had to say he didn’t want to hear. They only had minutes though, three at most, before they would be reunited with Chowder. Something about her demeanor told him she might not go through with whatever it was anyway, that if he ignored it she might lose her courage. 

Dex had never been good at letting things go though, even things he didn’t want to know. 

The doors slid open. 

“So, like, are you gonna try to blow me in the elevator or what?” 

Farmer’s eyes went wide, her mouth parting in a scandalized gasp before she threw a sudden solid punch at his arm. It hurt more than he was expecting, but he still laughed as he grasped at the raw mark she left. “Ow, fuck.” 

She was glaring at him, but fighting down a smile desperately trying to spread across her face. “You _ass._ ” 

“What? You’re the one who tried to get a minute alone with me without your boyfriend, it was the logical assumption.”

“You’re so fucking stupid,” she accused, but she held out her arm, stopping the elevator door from closing but not entering. 

“...Is it a proposition for the threesome? Wanted to get me one on one with both of you? The answer is maybe.” 

“Ugh.” Farmer rolled her eyes, ignoring the elevator as it dinged, indignant at being held in place for so long. “No, look, uh…” The rosy color was back in her cheeks, coloring across her ears and down her neck. Dex couldn’t remember ever seeing her look so uncertain. 

“If it’s about the dumb fucking list I don’t want to hear it.” He held up his phone, where 17 unread text messages from 8 different people were flashing. “They are literally all assurances of how hot I am and how much ass I could get if I tried.” Tucking his phone back into his pocket he tried to keep his expression as light as he could. “I don’t need any more of an ego boost.” 

Farmer glanced from the pocket his phone had disappeared into, then back up his face, biting her lip. 

“Okay, just shut up, listen.” She led the way into the elevator finally, not looking at him as she began to talk all in a rush. “So, okay, you know Chris got my number from Emily? Like, after you guys ran into me and I talked to you both and then later she texted me and said one of the hockey boys who knocked us over wanted my number and I said okay, and like, neither of you had actually told me your names so she just said ‘Chris’ and I didn’t know? And like, I had hoped it was, you know, the actual Chris because he had talked more to me than you did, and he was, just, _really_ cute, but you, you know, and I just said yes so yeah.” She looked up at him, finally meeting his eye. “You know?” 

Dex pulled his arm in slowly from where he had taken over holding the elevator, letting it slide closed behind them as he tried to rearrange her words into a coherent plot. “I…What?” 

She sighed, slumping against the wall in defeat. The sharp look she directed at him clearly stated he was an idiot. “Chris asked Emily for my number so he could ask me out. Emily asked me if that was okay. I didn’t know which one of you was Chris. I said yes.

“I had hoped it was him, like I said, I thought he was so attractive and cute and he was so happy and bubbly,” she rambled, that same sappy grin sliding onto her face as she seemed to forget where she was going with her original statement. She steeled herself a moment, shoulders suddenly straight and eyes fixed on a point as she plowed through. “Chowder’s cuter than you, I thought so that day too, but if you had asked me out, I still would have said yes.”

The elevator beeped as they passed the second floor. She was refusing to look him in the eye again, hands behind her back as she watched the door with rapt attention as she let the confession sink in. The honesty of it hit him hard in a soft spot he hadn’t realized he had for Farmer. She was bubbly and sweet, but just like Chowder she wasn’t to be underestimated. Farmer was straightforward and honest, and Dex was so glad she had said yes to Chowder.

Dex mirrored her position, watching the door as the elevator stopped at the third floor. His face felt hot and there were too many things going through his head all at once. Emotions had never been his strong suit, especially not anything close to gratitude, so he chose a different route. “I mean, I was kidding about the blow job, but if-“ 

He didn’t get a chance to finish the thought before Farmer screamed, lunging at him with both hands flailing. Dex yelped in surprise, falling back against the wall as she assaulted him with open hands rather than fists, landing light slaps wherever he was vulnerable. 

“You guys took forev-DEX WHAT DID YOU DO?” Suddenly Chowder was in on the impromptu elevator slap fight, joining his girlfriend and not even pretending to hide his giggling grin as he smacked at Dex’s back. 

“This is ASSAULT!” Dex shouted, ducking out from under them and out into the hall, only catching slightly as Farmer grabbed at his hoodie. 

“You’re an ass!” She accused for the second time, frightening two girls just trying to get into their dorm. “Chris give me your shoe.” 

Dex wanted to make fun of Chowder for doing it instantly, but couldn’t really say much when he just stood there and watched as it happened. Somehow he was still unprepared for her to lob the sneaker directly at him. 

“Fuck!” In an attempt to avoid the projectile, Dex tried to duck right, which resulted in him simply slamming full body into the concrete wall. _“Fuck.”_

“You deserved it,” Chowder told him sagely as he retrieved his footwear. 

“You don’t even know what happened.”

“Doesn’t matter.” 

Farmer grinned as she put an arm around her boyfriend. “Exactly.” 

“Whipped,” Dex hissed, rubbing the side of his possibly bruised head as he pulled out his key. 

Almost in sync, both of his friend’s smiles wavered. Chowder recovered before he could comment on the eeriness. “Do you want to come study with us?” 

“Yeah, we were gonna watch Parks and Rec later,” Farmer jumped in. 

“Uh, no thanks, I’ve got a paper to work on.” Dex shrugged.

Once again, they both seemed to hesitate. They shared a glance Dex couldn’t decipher before Chowder broke, shoulders slumping as he linked his fingers together. “Are you okay with being alone?” 

“Oh.” Dex resisted the urge to look away, suddenly uncomfortable again with everything.

“I’m sorry,” Chowder rushed out, taking a few steps closer. “I didn’t want to bring it up if you weren’t gonna bring it up, and,” he looked back at Farmer who was looking just as uncomfortable, “I assume Farmer said something to you, but I just wanted you to know I’m here if you need me, I know you don’t like people to know you care about things like that, so it’s okay if you don’t want to say anything, and I know you probably don’t want to hear anything about it, but what they said was really, really mean and it was wrong and it’s not true at all, and they should apologize.” 

Chowder got mistaken for a lot of things. Childish and immature and overly sensitive, but Dex knew that wasn’t true. True, he had seen Chowder cry more than any other member of the team, but Chowder was just like that. He was open about what he felt. He didn’t look like he wanted to cry now though, he looked like he wanted to put someone’s head through a wall on Dex’s behalf. 

Dex reached out a hand, knocking his fist awkwardly against Chowder’s arm, bringing his friend back down out of whatever violent vision he was lost. “I’m fine, but thanks man.” 

Chowder blinked a moment, before a hesitant grin overtook his glower. He ignored Dex’s arm and instead flung himself against Dex in a painful and sudden hug. Dex grunted under the sudden weight, legs buckling before he could right himself, and hugged Chowder back. 

“Okay, okay, let’s leave Dex alone.” Farmer helped Dex free himself from the impromptu goalie hug, and began to drag him down the hall. 

“See you guys later!” Dex shook his head at them before turning back to his door. The doorknob gave without his key. “Hey, Tom-“ Dex cut himself off as he promptly realized it was not his roommate who had unlocked the door. Instantly, Dex felt his mood sour, something childish and aggressive dragging him down a familiar path. “How did you get in?” 

It wasn’t Nursey’s fault he was ranked number one, and it really wasn’t his fault Dex had been ranked last, but Dex couldn’t shake the feeling that it absolutely was anyway. Nursey’s back was to him, and he seemed to be studying the handful of photos Dex had stuck to his wall. For some reason, it made Dex even angrier. 

“Thomas let me in,” Nursey told him, not seeming to care that Dex was all ready on the warpath before a conversation had even started. When he turned around, Dex felt himself bristle at the expression on his friend’s face. 

For all of their differences, Dex and Nursey had one very large staple in common; their incredibly limited facial expressions. Nursey was either that eerie and annoying serene, pissed off, or disastrously drunk. The current look he was giving Dex was none of the above. His eyes were soft, a sympathetic tilt to his eyebrows and his mouth turned down in a gentle frown. 

Dex had never wanted to punch him more. 

Instead of dropping his bag, he found himself clinging to it tighter, a scowl twisting his face. “What do you want?” 

Nursey hesitated when he opened his mouth and Dex couldn’t ever remember seeing him do that before. When his eyes flickered down to Dex’s bag, Dex forced himself to relax his grip, slipping it off his shoulder and letting it hit the floor by his desk. He pointedly kept his back to Nursey as he slid into his chair, starting up his laptop. 

“Look,” Dex hissed, missing the casual tone he was going for by a mile, “I have an essay to write, so if you don’t have anything better to do than stare at me, I have to get to it.” Behind him, he heard Nursey take a breath. “And if you’re here to tell me how unbelievably hot I am and how whoever runs the twitter is just jealous, you’re kind of late. At least ten people have all ready assured me I’m actually the hottest guy on the team. Guess it’s not you after all, sorry.” He was talking too much, rambling as he tired to push down the rush of fury that just wanted to lash out. 

_It’s not Nursey’s fault. It’s not Nursey’s fault. It’s not Nursey’s fault._

Dex jumped as a hand touched his shoulder, nearly slamming his laptop closed as he squawked. “What the fuck?” He pushed the chair back, distancing himself from Nursey as he glared up at him. 

“Look, Dex-“

_“What?”_

Finally, Nursey’s soft expression shifted into something closer to annoyed than wounded. There was a shift of his lip that turned his chiseled features into something just a little less attractive as he scowled. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I just-“

“What are you sorry for?” Dex cut in, his voice sounding a little too shrill to his own ears. His face was heating up, and he knew what he looked like when that happened. His ears were too big and right now they were turning bright red, making them stand out even more and clashing horribly with his hair that was getting too long and his voice was coming out high and wrong and his nose was too small and his mouth was too wide and- 

“Did you write the twitter? Is it you?” He plowed on, pretending none of those things were happening. “Do you secretly wanna lick Ransom’s abs and think I look like undercooked chicken?”

Nursey’s frown deepened, a hard edge erasing any gentleness that had been there when Dex had first walked in. Dex was still angry, still wanted to fight, but he couldn’t help the slight relief he felt at the change. Angry Nursey he could handle, Nursey looking at him with all that pity and compassion, he couldn’t. When Nursey opened his mouth, an obvious insult on the edge of his tongue, Dex clenched his hands into fists, something grateful flowing through his bones as he braced for the fight. 

It didn’t come.

Instead, Nursey collected himself, rolling his eyes and running a hand over his face as he took a step back. “Okay, okay, okay,” he repeated into his hand before straightening back up, pushing that same hand up through his hair. “Look, I know your feelings are hurt and-“

Dex was on his feet in a second, a bark of an obnoxious laugh making Nursey flinch. “My feelings are hurt?” He demanded, incredulous. “My fucking _feelings_? What the fuck man, are we in goddamn kindergarten? Did I just lose the Miss Samwell fuckin’ Beauty Pageant? My fuckin’ _feelings_ are fine. I don’t give a fuck what some asshole with a twitter thinks, and I’m gettin’ pretty fuckin’ sick of everyone treating me like I’m some whiney _bitch_ who’s gonna start bawlin’ because someone doesn’t wanna fuck me.” 

Dex could hear Nursey’s teeth grind together, but instead of balling his hands into fists like Dex’s, he wrung them together behind his back, eyes narrowing dangerously. “So many fucking things were wrong and fucked up about what you just said, I don’t even know where to start-” 

“Then don’t.” Dex leaned back against his desk, crossing his arms in an attempt to calm himself down. If they started an actual physical fight in his dorm room, he wasn’t sure who would pull them apart before they actual broke each other; or worse, broke Thomas’s stuff. “Just go. Call fucking Shitty, tell him how goddamn terrible I am.” 

“I’m trying to help,” Nursey bit out.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to help with, but you’re doing an incredibly shitty job.” 

“Your feelings are hurt,” Nursey accused, unclenching his hands to point a finger at Dex. “Whether you want to admit it or not, you’re a human being, and humans have feelings, and yours were hurt and now you’re trying to take it out on me.” 

Dex snorted. “I’m not trying to do anything except finish my goddamn essay, you’re the one who came in here lookin’ like you wanted to have a cryin’ session.” 

The noise Nursey let out, halfway between a quiet scream and a gargle, made Dex jump. “You’re so fucking annoying, _fuck_. I had this whole fucking speech planned out, and you won’t even let me get a sentence out!” 

“The fuck do you have a speech for?” Dex raised his shoulders defensively. His arms were straining and his face was burning and he really didn’t want an answer to that question. “Did you think it was your fuckin’ job, because you got rated the hottest? Is that how this works? The best lookin’ of the group has to go comfort the fuckin’ ugliest as part of their royal duties?” 

“There’s no duties-“ 

Dex’s eye roll was apparently enough to cut Nursey off without having to say anything at all. “Just get out man, I don’t need this right now. I’m fuckin’ fine, tell everyone to stop tryin’ to kiss my ass.” 

“You’re not fine.” Nursey threw his hands up and Dex had about two full seconds to revel in his ability to get under his defensive partner’s skin before Nursey pushed on. “Everyone wants people to think they’re good looking, it’s just like, a thing, you know? Everyone hopes other people find them attractive or at least, not offensive.” He paused, and Dex knew what was coming, but it was like watching a car accident. He could see the skid and hear the screech but there was suddenly nothing he could do to stop the inevitable crumble of metal. 

“Someone called you ugly in front of the entire university. They said all your friends were attractive and that you were ugly and it embarrassed you and it hurt your feelings and nothing about that is girly or childish.”

Nursey kept talking. Dex could see his mouth moving, but he couldn’t process the words. Even if he had wanted to hear more –which he absolutely did not- he couldn’t hear him over the rush of blood in his ears. Mid-word Nursey seemed to pause, mouth still open as his face shifted from his tense anger to something even worse than the soft expression Dex had walked in on. There was horror in Nursey’s eyes, and he looked suddenly shaky on his legs. 

“Fuck, shit, man, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like-Dude, listen, please-“ 

Dex didn’t know what his face must have looked like, but if Nursey’s reaction was anything to go by, it wasn’t an expression he ever wanted to repeat. Forcing his scowl back in place, a fire in the back of his throat like he had never felt before he growled, stalking forward a few steps until Nursey backed up against Thomas’s bed.

“Get out.” 

“Dex-“

“GET. OUT. GET THE FUCK OUT. ” 

“Dex, wait-“

Dex didn’t want to hear whatever else Nursey had to say, and glanced around with a rising desperation. He settled on his math textbook, picking up without thinking and threw the monster of a book at Nursey. 

“THE FUCK-“ Nursey tripped over his feet as he tried to dodge the projectile, falling back onto Thomas’s bed in an attempt to get away. “Murdering me isn’t going to help!”

“It’s a start,” Dex snarled as he looked for his chemistry book next. That one might send Nursey to the hospital, but Dex didn’t really care at the moment. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Nursey rolled himself back off the bed and to his feet, hands held up defensively. “Let’s just fucking talk about this man.” 

“Why is nothin’ enough for you?” Dex had meant it as a quip, exasperated and annoyed and maybe accompanied by another textbook, but instead it came out as almost a shout, too much anger behind it for it to be anything other than embarrassing. Face hot and unable to meet Nursey’s eye he continued looking for his textbook, now more out of something to do than any actual plans to use it as ammunition. Textbooks were more expensive than a hospital visit at this point anyway. “How was it not fuckin’ enough to be voted best looking, that you have to come the fuck down here and rub it in my face? Like, mother fuck Nursey I know we’re not Ransom and Holster here, but Christ this is low, even for you.” 

He was talking too much again, unable to hold himself back as his anger turned back in on itself, fueling him forward though he had nothing more to go on. The textbook had been in his bag, exactly where he had left it, but with it firmly in his hands he was left with nothing else to do, unless he wanted to follow through with launching it at his defensive partner’s head. 

“I, shit man, I’m not trying to rub it in. I’m-“

“Then what the fuck are you doin’ here?” Dex kept a hard scowl in place as he looking sharply back up at Nursey. 

“I’m-“ Nursey cut himself off, mouth still open like he was trying to find his next word and looking incredibly lost. 

Dex rolled his eyes, lip still curled in a scowl. “Just get out,” he repeated, with far less gusto than before. He tossed the book onto his bed, feeling a small amount of satisfaction at the way Nursey flinched.

“You said I was voted best looking,” Nursey said after a moment’s pause in which Dex had been certain he was going to leave. 

Dex frowned at the book now laying on the bed. He wanted to meet Nursey’s eye, wanted to meet the challenge there and prove everything he was saying wrong, but he couldn’t seem to move his head. Instead, gaze still locked on the book he leaned back against his desk, jaw set as he bit down on his tongue.

“I wasn’t voted shit. It was just someone rando online, deciding who they thought was the best looking and who wasn’t. Literally, it was just someone who was a big enough of an entitled dick to think everyone wanted their opinion.” 

Dex wanted to turn around, go back to his homework and pretend this wasn’t happening. He wanted to pretend Nursey was just a stuck-up moron and ignore that he had valid points. Dex knew he was being dramatic and unreasonable. He was lashing out at someone who didn’t deserve it over something that didn’t deserve his energy, but knowing that was harder than accepting it. If he could just turn around maybe Nursey would leave and they could forget this whole thing.

He didn’t turn around.

The hum of Dex’s old laptop trying to stay awake was the only sound for a full minute. “Would you vote yourself last?” Nursey’s question was quieter than anything else he’d said since Dex had entered the room and Dex tried to stop the tension rising up his shoulders. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Dex responded almost before Nursey was done speaking. Finding some ounce of will power he hadn’t realized he had, he managed to glance over at his friend. He valiantly held his gaze for about three seconds before he covered his cowardice with an eye roll. “Don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m not really a vain sort of guy.” 

He wasn’t, he assured himself silently. All of his clothes were bought because they fit and they were comfortable. He had his hair cut once a month to keep it out of his eyes and it was easier to keep clean. He worked out because he played hockey and needed to stay in shape. Every part of his personal grooming had a purpose and none of those purposes were vanity. 

If he had worn a beanie for two weeks straight that one time the barber had cut his hair a little shorter than usual, and if he had a muted yellow flannel in the back of his closet that he only brought out when he thought there was a chance of getting laid well…that was his business. 

Nursey didn’t respond to that, but he took a cautious step forward, and then another when Dex didn’t object. He didn’t try to touch him again, but leaned against the desk as well, the ancient and worn desk chair separating them. 

“What do you want here?” Dex finally asked, unable to handle the bizarre silence any longer. 

Nursey rocked back on his heels, tilting his head back like he was asking the universe for strength. Dex knew the feeling well. 

“Okay,” he breathed out, eyes trained solidly on the floor. “Do you really have no idea here? Like, I actually can’t tell if you’re fucking with me at this point or if your backwoods no-homo training runs this deep.” 

Dex frowned, forgetting his earlier embarrassment in favor of complete confusion as he glared at Nursey. Nursey, who was now the one unable to look at him. His first instinct was to snap at the backwoods comment, but curiosity won out over the offence. “What?” 

For a brief moment Nursey looked over at him. “Seriously? You’re not fucking with me right now?”

Dex threw his hands up in a sign of defeat. “I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about, or where the fuck I got lost along the way here.”

Nursey sighed, long and suffering and Dex was reminded of Farmer, rolling her eyes at his stupidity in the elevator. He shifted one shoulder in a gesture Dex had come to recognize. It was the same movement he did when someone asked him where inspiration for his work had come from, or when anyone commented on a particularly good block. It didn’t fit in the context of the conversation they were currently having. “I’ve been flirting with you for months.” 

Dex almost missed the quiet _“I thought you knew,”_ tacked on at the end, as his world tilted sideways for the third time that day. The desk behind him was the only thing grounding him in reality as he tried to stop the spinning of his head and fixate on anything tangible. 

“Uh, I…what?” 

Nursey pushed away from the desk, shoulders high in a shrug as he took a step backwards. The smile on his face was strained and nervous, but not sad or unsteady. “Just, uh, okay kind of bad timing, but I thought you should know.” 

For what felt like an hour but was probably a few seconds, Dex stood frozen, jaw open and eyes unfocused as he tried to process everything. All at once it came together, his face heating up as he managed to close his mouth and pull himself up right. “Man, shut the fuck up. That joke’s all ready old.” 

Nursey frowned, dropping his hands and looking confused. “What?”

Dex bit down on the inside of his cheek, trying and failing to calm the fire he could feel spreading across his face. “I all ready got like, five marriage proposals today between Rans and Holtz, and a proposition from Tango. That might have been an accident but it still happened. Anyway, you missed your window.” He couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t handle the heavy feeling in his stomach that wouldn’t recede from the few seconds he thought Nursey was serious. That was a ridiculous thought, and Dex knew it. Where was he even going with that train of thought, what would he do with that kind of a confession? Turning his back he picked up his textbook off the bed again, just for something to do with his itching hands. 

“I…what?” 

Dex could still feel his heart hammering against his throat, his fingers too tight on the book. He swallowed the feeling down as best he could, and rolled his eyes instead. “I get it, I’m hot, everyone wants me. You’re all hilarious, thanks.” 

Behind him, Nursey made a sputtering sort of sound. “That’s not-no. “

Textbook still awkwardly in his hands, Dex turned to throw himself with only the mildest amount of drama onto his bed. He tried not to wince at the screech the frame made as it scrapped against the wall. 

“Look man, I got homework.”

“No, Dex, you’re not listening.” 

“Dude, if I don’t finish this shit it’s gonna fuck up my whole grade.” 

“DEX.” 

Dex jumped as Nursey was suddenly standing directly in front of him, knees bumping against his as he leaned down and crowded into his space. 

“What-“ Dex’s flustered attempts at speech were quickly cut off as Nursey’s hands were cupping his face, pressing gently against his jaw and tilting his face up. If Dex thought his heart was trying to escape before, now it was a full jailbreak, and he was certain Nursey had to be able to feel the force of it. 

Of the usual collection of expressions Nursey pulled from, the one he was currently pinning Dex in place with was not one of them. At least, not one Dex had ever been witness to. Any and all pity was gone now, replaced with a nervous sort of determination that left Dex without a response. Vaguely he registered one of his own hands moving, grasping at Nursey’s forearm like he was going to push him away. His grip was too loose though, his fingers just grazing Nursey’s arm more than holding it. 

“I like you,” Nursey proclaimed, his voice so serious and stern that Dex thought he might have laughed at him if he weren’t so confused. 

For a moment Nursey just stared at him, unblinking, and they stayed in their odd position as another minute ticked by. Finally, Dex realized he was waiting for a reaction that. 

“Uh, thanks?” 

Nursey growled, a sound Dex couldn’t remember ever hearing from him before. “No,” he insisted. “You’re not listening.” He tried to emphasize his point with his hands, seemingly before realizing they were still locked around Dex’s jaw and ended up shaking him. 

_“Dude.”_

“Sorry.” Nursey’s determination seemed to be ramping up, a hard twist of his mouth that Dex couldn’t not make fun of him for, but before he could say anything Nursey was leaning in closer.

“What-“

“Okay, don’t punch me.”

Later, Dex would recall that part of him knew what was about to happen, but the more rational part of his brain refused to accept that as an outcome. So when Nursey tilted Dex’s head up and leaned in, Dex did nothing to stop him. He did nothing at all really except tighten his grip on Nursey’s arm and widen his eyes as Nursey pressed their mouths together. 

For a moment, everything sort of stopped. There weren’t thoughts in Dex’s head so much as just a cacophony of white noise as the heat of Nursey’s mouth and the scent of whatever obnoxiously expensive hair product he used overwhelmed him. 

Nursey tilted his head after a few seconds, beginning to pull away, and evidently that was the trigger to spark Dex back to life. Without warning Dex struck out, landing a solid punch right against Nursey’s collarbone and shoving him backwards.

“Ah, fuck! I said don’t punch me!” Nursey complained, rubbing quickly at was probably going to be a bruise. 

“I didn’t agree to that!” Dex leaned back against the bed, pulling one knee up in his best attempt at a defensive position. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Nursey, and didn’t realize he was touching his own mouth until he saw Nursey’s eyes follow the movement. Embarrassed he let his hand fall back down, but couldn’t stop himself from biting down on his lip. He could taste Nursey on his mouth. He knew what Nursey’s mouth tasted like and now he couldn’t ever unlearn that. 

Nursey had given up rubbing at his injury, and was instead watching Dex with a mixture of caution and…fondness? Dex was losing it. 

“You look like we just ran a marathon man. I barely kissed you.” 

“Shut the fuck up,” Dex snapped instinctively, realizing belatedly that he was practically panting. 

“Seriously dude, have you never been kissed before?” 

“Fuck you!” Dex spat, fingers gripping tight into his bedspread. “The fuck is your problem? You can’t-you don’t,” he cut himself off with an aggravated snarl, unable to compose himself into words. “You can’t just fucking…kiss me –Christ- just to-just to-“

“Just to what man?”

“Fuck with me!” Dex exploded, throwing his arms up for emphasis. 

“I’m not fucking with you!” Nursey pushed back. Dex involuntarily leaned farther back as Nursey took a step forward. “I’m like, into you and shit.” 

“No you’re not.”

Nursey raised an eyebrow. “I’m not?”

“No,” Dex insisted. He had to have a fever at this point with how hot his skin felt. As much as he tried he seemed unable to stop himself from running his tongue over his lips. When Nursey’s eye followed the movement Dex had to look away. “C-come on man.” 

Fuck. He was stuttering. Nothing good ever came when Dex started stuttering. 

“Fuck, do you really think I would kiss you just to fuck with you?” 

“The fuck else would you do it for?” 

Nursey took another step closer, and Dex felt himself tense but didn’t move. “You’re so sad sometimes, do you know that?”

“Fuck off.”

“Yeah, you said that.” Nursey moved slowly, giving Dex ample warning of where he was going. That didn’t stop him from twitching when Nursey’s hand rested on his still bent knee. “But seriously? You’re like, playing this blushing virgin romcom shit, not knowing how good looking you are. Doing the whole ‘woe is me no one’s ever gonna find my ridiculous college athlete body and model face attractive’.” 

Nursey pressed the back of his hand to his forehead in his best imitation of a swoon as Dex kicked him in the hip. “Shut the fuck up-“

“You shut the fuck up! You’re so goddamn annoying.”

“I was just rated the ugliest on the hockey team.” Dex hated how his voice sounded, too small and too high. He couldn’t wrap his head around what was happening, and was having trouble focusing on anything beyond the warm weight of Nursey’s hand still pressing on his knee. 

“By one douchebag with a twitter. I don’t think that sort of data would hold up in any scientific study.” 

“I don’t have a model face,” Dex blurted out. He tried to ignore Nursey’s laugh as Dex closed his eyes at his own stupidity. He had been wrong earlier, this was how he died. 

“Fucking look at you, you’re doing the goddamn Playgirl pose.”

Dex scoffed, but realized a bit belatedly he had spread his knees wider to accommodate Nursey’s presence. “You read a lot of playgirl?” He quipped back, and almost missed Nursey’s next question.

“Can I kiss you again?”

_“WHAT?”_

“I said, can I kiss you again? You talk way too much and I just want to cut to the chase here.” 

“Why are you-“

“Yes or no man, it’s a pretty simple question.”

“Yes.” Dex didn’t make the decision to accept Nursey’s proposal, couldn’t even fathom it at the moment, but he answered before Nursey was even done asking. 

For possibly the first time, Nursey seemed just as shocked as Dex by the response, eyes wide and his fingers tightening on Dex’s knee. Everything felt too heavy, like a weight was pressing on Dex’s chest and holding him in place, before Nursey finally moved. He leaned over Dex, balancing on one hand. Dex couldn’t move, was frozen in place, but managed to tilt his head in anticipation, his hands shaking on the bed. 

Just as Nursey’s nose bumped his, he stopped. “Seriously, this isn’t like, your first kiss is it?”

“Mother fucker.” Dex grabbed Nursey by the face, fingers curling in his hair to bring their mouths together in a crushing kiss. Unfortunately, Dex in his enthusiasm had overestimated Nursey’s ability to balance himself and make out at the same time. He yelped against Nursey’s mouth as the other came crashing down on him, pressing him hard against the bed and knocking their teeth together. 

Dex wanted to growl out an insult, or maybe just a chirp, but before he could collect himself and his aching mouth, Nursey was kissing him again. Unconcerned with the setback, he readjusted himself on top of Dex, shifting them both farther onto the bed and resting some of his weight onto his arms, currently framing Dex’s face. 

“Smooth,” Dex commended as Nursey pulled away to take a breath. 

“Shut up.” 

Nursey’s mouth was on his again, lips parting and taking advantage of Dex’s laugh to slide his tongue between his teeth. Dex would later recount that he did not moan in that moment, but the sigh he let escape may have been damning in itself. He tightened his grip on Nursey’s shirt, pulling him close and letting a hand roam over the expanse of his back. 

Nursey broke their kiss again, running his lips instead along Dex’s exposed neck. Dex obliged the push of Nursey’s mouth by tilting his head back, exposing as much of his neck as he could. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, his breaths coming in rapid bursts as he pressed the side of his face into his pillow. 

One of Nursey’s hands found his, linking their fingers together as he worked on Dex’s neck. 

“You better not leave a fucking mark.”

“I’m barely touching you, Poindexter, how easily does your pale ass bruise?”

“I’m less concerned with my ass and more with my neck here.”

He realized his mistake even before he felt Nursey’s grin against his neck. “So you’re saying I _can_ leave bruises on your-“

“Shut up!” Dex used their linked hand as a lever, bucking his hips up and catching Nursey’s leg between his to roll them over. He smirked down at Nursey, successfully pinned beneath him, for all of three seconds before the image sunk into his head. 

He had Derek Nurse pinned underneath of him, willingly and compliant on his bed. 

After that realization hit home, Dex kind of gave up on thinking. 

Nursey jolted in surprise beneath him, making a soft ‘ouf!’ sound when Dex smashed their mouths together again. He squeezed Nursey’s hand, driving it as hard into the bed as could. Underneath of him Nursey made a sound that shot straight through Dex, and his hands were suddenly everywhere. In Dex’s hair, under his shirt, squeezing his ass, it was too much and not enough all at once. 

“Dex,” Nursey gasped.

Dex made a noise of acknowledgment as he mouthed at Nursey’s ear. 

Nursey tried to say something else, but cut off in a whine when Dex rolled his hips down. After a heavy exhale he seemed to compose himself again. “Dex, wait.” 

“What?”

“Are you okay?” 

_“What?”_

Nursey sighed. It was a very specific sigh, one that Dex was very familiar with, that meant Nursey thought Dex was far too slow. “Dude,” he chided, his brow creased in disbelief, “we’re on the same team.”

_“Obviously.”_

“Ha ha, shut up. We’re on the same team, we’re probably gonna live together next year, we’ve got two and a half more years to get through together, and you’re ready to just, what, fuck the first time we decide there might be something here?”

Nursey was talking far too much considering what had just been happening, and it took Dex an embarrassingly long time to put it all together. When he finally thought he understood what was going on, he felt his face burn, though for a much different reason than it had been before. He let go of Nursey’s hand like he had been burned, snatching it back to himself as he rolled off Nursey as close to the wall as he could get. 

“Wait, hey, Dex-“ 

“Jesus, Nursey, just get out.” How he had ended up in this situation he had no idea. What was going on, he had even less. His heart was still hammering in his chest, anxiety creeping back into his bones even as most of him seemed unaware that the possibility of getting laid had been taken off the table. 

“No, that’s not-“

“What the fuck do you want, man?” Dex ran his fingers through his hair, and ended up just covering his face with his palms. It seemed a better idea than trying to look at Nursey right now. Nursey, who had just had his tongue in his mouth and who he had just ground down against like a horny teenager. Granted he was a horny teenager, but the the thought wasn’t much of a comfort. 

“I, uh…Okay I just kind of came to confess, I hadn’t really had a plan beyond that.” Dex felt the bed shift as Nursey sat up. 

“Solid.”

“Well, I didn’t expect you to take it so well.”

Dex raised one hand to glare at Nursey with one eye. “This was taking it well?”

“Better than I expected.” He shrugged, a wry smile at the corner of his mouth. Dex tried to will himself not to stare, but Nursey’s bottom lip was bigger than it had been before. It was just the tiniest bit swollen, and Dex wouldn’t have seen it if he hadn’t been looking, but he was and he did and he knew he was the one who had made that happen. 

He covered his face again. 

“I just didn’t take you to be such a goddamn horndog right off the bat, shit Dex.”

Dex didn’t respond, but groaned into his hands as Nursey laughed. 

“Seriously man, when was the last time you got laid?”

“I cannot believe you made out with me, just for the chirps,” Dex mumbled into his hands. He felt Nursey’s hand on his thigh and shifted up into the touch. Nothing about anything happening was real and his head was spinning. 

Nursey squeezed his thigh, leaning against him as Dex tried to ignore him. “Sorry man, saw an opportunity and had to take it.”

“You wanted it,” Dex accused, surprising himself with his boldness. 

When Nursey stayed silent, Dex let his hands fall to his chest. Nursey was studying the posters across the room, and maybe it was just the light but it looked like his face was a little darker than usual. He titled his head to meet Dex’s eye. “Yeah, a little.” 

Despite everything, Dex found himself smiling back for a second before he rolled his eyes. “Fucking loser.” 

“Yeah, but now I’m your fucking loser.” 

“I signed nothing,” Dex told him, even as he moved aside to let Nursey lay down next to him. His face was too close, his eyes too big and expression too open as he laid a hand down on Dex’s chest. “I thought you didn’t want to fool around.”

“There is a lot of middle ground between being friends and fucking.”

“That’s a myth.” 

Nursey snorted and Dex felt his body shift with the movement. Dex remained on his back, almost afraid to move any other way, and his breath caught when he felt Nursey’s nose brush his ear. “You’re so fucking stupid.” 

He wondered, somewhere in the back of his mind, what Thomas would think if he walked in right then. With Nursey curled against Dex’s side, one arm draped over him as they lay on his bed. Dex thought he might just close the door and walk back out, had he happened to show up. But Thomas didn’t show up and Nursey didn’t move and Dex stared at the ceiling as he tried to process it all. 

“Sorry someone was a fucking asshat,” Nursey said after such a long stretch of silence that Dex had assumed he had fallen asleep.

Dex shrugged, jostling Nursey with the effort. “Someone is always a fucking asshat. That’s just kind of how life works.”

“Yeah, but it still sucks.”

“Yeah,” Dex conceded after a pause. “It does.”

“You’re not ugly though.”

“I think we established you think that.”

Nursey hummed. “I mean…you do kind of look like undercooked chicken sometimes. But like, cute undercooked chicken?” 

“Man, shut the fuck _up_ ,” Dex groaned, throwing out an elbow to catch Nursey in the stomach. 

Nursey just laughed as he curled in on himself to avoid the blow. 

“So,” Dex breathed in the silence that followed the scuffle. “What do we do now?”

Nursey sat up then, patting Dex’s shoulder as he adjusted his shirt. “Well, Mr. Let’s Bang Before The First Date-“ he cast a disparaging glance down at Dex “-totally unexpected from you by the way, damn.” He ignored the hand Dex swatted at him as he stood up. “But for most of us, now would be the time you let me buy you dinner.” 

Rolling onto his side, Dex raised an eyebrow. “You want to…go out on a date?” 

Nursey was grabbing his bag off of the floor, his chin high and back straight, but there was something tense about his usually easy grin. He was nervous. Something about that realization made Dex’s chest feel tighter. “Yeah.” Nursey had his hands in his pockets as he stood awkwardly in the center of the room, while obviously and desperately trying not to look awkward. “Dinner.”

It was mean of Dex to let him sweat it out, he knew that, he really did. Except some habits were hard to break, and Nursey didn’t often look uncertain of himself. It was the kind of image Dex needed to let sink in before he finally sat up, swinging his legs over the side. “You’re not buying me some fancy fucking dinner, man. You know I’m not about that shit.”

Nursey rolled his eyes, but Dex didn’t miss the way his shoulders slumped in relief. “Do you think I eat caviar and snails every time I’m not with you guys? Like I don’t understand what your version of my life is. We’re getting pizza so don’t try to bitch.” 

Dex snorted, grabbing a flannel from where he had last tossed it over his chair, but instantly forgot his retort as Nursey’s hands were suddenly gripping his sides and pulling him close. He didn’t have time to react before Nursey was kissing him again, hard and sudden and maybe a little wet. When Nursey pulled back his eyes were wide and he wasn’t trying to hide his nerves behind a smile anymore. 

“You’re gorgeous,” he said, his lips almost brushing Dex’s when he spoke again. Dex could hear when he swallowed. “You’re so fucking gorgeous and your nose is adorable and your freckles are incredible and I love your crazy hair and I don’t even know what the fuck color your eyes are trying to be, but they’re amazing and…” Nursey trailed off, fingers digging so hard into Dex’s lower back that it was almost painful. It wasn’t half as bad as his face however, which felt about to spontaneously combust under the weight of his embarrassment. “And that’s what I wanted to tell you earlier,” Nursey finished with a tone that might have been easy, had he not swallowed again in the middle. 

With a final kiss to Dex’s cheek –his cheek, who even did that?- he pulled away and headed to the door. Dex watched him, feeling something close to hypnotized as he watched Nursey miss the door handle the first time, and then manage to hit himself in the face with it when he finally opened it. 

“Nice.”

“Nothing happened.” 

Dex followed after him, locking the door behind them as they headed out. Suddenly unsure of what to do with his hands or how to walk or where to look, Dex pulled his phone out of his pocket. Along side Ransom and Holster’s dozens of texts, there was another number reoccurring over and over.

 **Thomas:** _YOOOOOOO congrats on being uglier than me. I came in 18th_  
**Thomas:** _get fucked_  
**Thomas:** _or don’t because apparently you never get fucked_  
**Thomas:** _ha_  
**Thomas:** _dude where you at_  
**Thomas:** _okay in hindsight my previous texts might read a little mean, but they’re not and I stand by them_  
**Thomas:** _your boyfriend is here. I let him in._  
**Thomas:** _don’t bang on my stuff_  
**Thomas:** _okay im a little sorry for what I said youre not ugly_  
**Thomas:** _but you ARE uglier than me_  
**Thomas:** _im sorry_  
**Thomas:** _I don’t care how mad you are I’m not moving out_

Dex snorted. Soccer players. As he was about to assure Thomas he wasn’t kicking him out, another text came through. 

**Thomas:** _how you doing man_

Beside him, Nursey bumped against his shoulder. When Dex glanced over at him he was purposefully looking in the other direction, and making a sad attempt at a whistle. Dex responded as maturely as he could, by returning his gaze straight ahead and checking Nursey hard with his own shoulder. 

“Ah, fuck,” Nursey hissed, but when Dex glanced over the gloat, Nursey was beaming at him, his smile wide and so much fondness in the expression that Dex had to look back at his phone just to keep himself from tripping. 

****

_X__X__X_

Half way across campus, Thomas nearly dropped his bag in surprise when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He winces as the name came up, expecting fully to be chewed out for his earlier texts, or worse - have to listen to Will's _feelings_ or something later. He tried not to shudder, bracing himself as he opened the text. 

It wasn't quite what he expected.

 **Billy P:** _Not bad at all._

**Author's Note:**

> RACHEL. That was way too long and then it just fucking ended what the fuck. No one’s dick even came out what a rip off. Also you spelled 90% of everything wrong and you can't write Farmer. I know man, I know. I could have gone into a big thing with their relationship developing which I kind of want to but I also am kind of working on another story that’s that exact plot so ehhh. (Dicks will come out in that one I promise). I've honestly just been working on this for WEEKS and just wanted to be done so I could move onto other things. But yo thanks for reading and I hope you found some sort of amusement. 
> 
> Also this trope of Nursey being super hot and Dex being not so much is ridiculously overdone but I will beat this dead horse until it is skeleton dust and no one can fucking stop me.
> 
> Come talk to my on [tumblr.](http://www.dexondefense.tumblr.com)


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